Of Rosebuds and Rue

Yes, yes. I deleted the last two posts. I keep forgetting this is Growing Fins version 2. But you have to understand I’ve been feeling sorry for myself on version 1 since 2005. Old habits die hard.

I’m super stressed right now because I need to write a full paper for next week’s conference and the slides have to be in by Friday. I also need to resubmit my Psychogeography and hauntology papers. I feel like I am falling to pieces but I think my definition of “falling to pieces” is probably milder than most people. One student this week has already been in hysterics and was talked down by the other supervisor (not me this time, thank goodness). No, my idea of “falling to pieces” involves epic twitter rants that I delete, writing posts on this blog that I delete, cooking good meals, drinking hot drinks and crying over weird things, and then curling myself up in a ball and falling asleep. When all’s said as done, I’m dead boring in that category. Even when I was a PhD student. When I was angry I’d scold people, rant a bit, then I’d go eat a good meal and cry myself to sleep. Nothing so extreme. I’m grateful for that I am of a phlegmatic nature. It’s that survivalist instinct in me.

I’m still struggling to keep abreast of all my things on deadline. Today I mostly read PhD student chapters, was an evaluator for a PhD student from another team who was presenting his findings prior to his viva/defense which is not too far away. Three of my PhD students have to submit their dissertations by August, it’s…rough on everyone. Especially the students but also the teams involved.

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What Ninny Did Today

Today after the student’s presentation, I had my lunch at Sushi King, bought some quick groceries for dinner etc, and then went to get my hand cream and hair conditioner at L’Occitane. My shea butter hand cream is running dry and my right hand is extremely dry (apparently hereditary) to the extent that if I don’t continuously moisturize the skin will crack open. It’s annoying and only developed in 2014. Then I went to Urban Decay because my face powder ran out a few weeks ago and the weather’s been pretty hot which means my face has been pretty shiny. I rounded it all off with a visit to Sephora to get creamy hand wash (since my hands are so sensitive and I think that the Method handwashes I’ve been using haven’t been helping), and to the pharmacy to get the glucose strips. Then I came back to the office, worked on my PhD students’s chapters (TWO STUDENTS), and then left early because my room was so damn hot and stifling and I couldn’t get more work done and was scared of migraines.

Sat myself down here (at home) and opened documents, doing edits. Stared at them, and felt sorry for myself. Whined on twitter. Bought a Gothic monograph ebook which will come in handy w/ my current research. Then pulled myself together. Then made a quick, and divine dinner.

I love my juniper, lavender and thyme (doesn’t that sound magical?!) rub for steak so much I have zero desire to eat steak that is not home-made. I smack my lips, I roll my eyes in ecstasy. So good. Was going to eat half a steak but decided that I probably shouldn’t change my mind about today being a cheat day. So, I ate ALL the steak, the amaaaazing truffled mash I made (just about 1/3 a teaspoon of truffle oil worked so much magic!) and quick salad with 1 truss tomato, a handful of mesclun greens and a dash of balsamic vinegar which made the tomatoes so sweet. I also had apple juice watered down w/ mineral water and added three raspberries inside. Also ate a square of Sugarless Confectionary’s sugarfree chocolate (dark chocolate with orange cream). Damage of a square: 46 calories. So I’m at 1965 calories for today. It’s day 8 so it’s okay. Tomorrow and Friday will be over 2k days though because I’m working out. Not by too much. I may perhaps keep it at 1950-2000 calories. Just enough to keep me fueled.

Now that I am done with that, I’m sitting down to work before it is time to check my blood sugars.  I’ve already done some sprucing up of the psychogeography paper tonight. Some things don’t need to be in there but was requested by those peer reviewers who were rather old-fashioned in their thinking. I’ve also growled at my monograph. I’m just going to hammer in a couple more paragraphs in the intro of the bloody monograph (clearly we are out of the honeymoon stage) before I sleep. But looks like the editors are going to get everything in August, not now. I feel really bad but no point sending in work that won’t make the cut, right? I’ve already negative self-talked myself into anticipating a rejection :/

**sad sigh**

I feel like such a failure at everything right now. 🙁

So now I’m going to do a bit more of monograph work, also write a few hundred words in Rosemirror because I am fretful and impossible if I can’t write at least a little bit of fiction. Then I am brewing myself a mug of rosebud tea. And then I shall sleep. Next two days I am focusing on the conference paper and the slides. The slides should be done by Friday. I’ll work on the paper over the weekend. Okay. Gnight world.

Listening to:  Pay Attention — Sudan Archives