“I’m Laughing Through My Tears, I’m Laughing Through My Tears”

Been awhile. Had my birthday writing retreat that skewed my body’s balance and sleep cycles a bit. Was lovely and restful in parts, stressful in other regards. Have doubts I’ll be returning there next birthday, but I can focus on the positives.

  • I did A LOT of research writing and planning, both for the rewrites to the Psychogeography article and for my monograph which now has a new lease of life.
  • Figured out that my swimming problems lately are not just because of being out of practice but because I seem to have developed aquaphobia. I don’t know if suddenly not being able to remember how to swim last year caused this phobia, or if the phobia caused my freezing in the water and forgetting how to swim. In any case, both can be linked to the heart scare I got because of those misdiagnosed meds. I’m okay now so hopefully my swimming will come back to normal.
  • I swam over 1km a day for 3 days (half that number for the first day), and I really like that pool because it’s easier to swim in (no weird currents) than my usual pool and the floor is non-slippery which helps regulate my weird terror. I even swam at night!
  • I did a lot of plotting and planning for Rosemirror. A lot more than actual writing. I’m already at 68k words but I was supposed to have reached 80k words this week. What happened? Well. We’re at the midway point in the second novel in a trilogy. The novel where things go wrong, people make missteps, the death count increases and we’re at the brink of despair. I had a chapter-long bereavement which was incredibly rough to write this close to Dad’s passing. And there’s going to be more body counts of characters I’ve grown to love. I knew I had to up the stakes. And we’ve reached the point where pacing and beats are incredibly important so I’ve made a detailed beat sheet. Can’t pants this, and discovery writing can’t cut it. So, slower writing.
  • Also one major thing I figured out during my retreat is how to use that aquaphobia to power through some of the difficult oceanic scenes. So I did that. Again, it’s not easy.


Another thing that’s incredibly hard right now: under 2k calorie days.

I’m skirting the edge today:

Exhibit A: Partially nommed dinner. I tried having a heavy lunch today because yesterday a light lunch meant I was super hungry for dinner and I wound up eating more than I should. But I still was hungry so I had an avocado/turkey slice (18 calories)/wholegrain bread sammich, a banana, 5 strawberries, some sunflower seeds, and a sugarless orange chocolate square (46 calories). Not pictured: 10 almonds, and 30g of golden raisins.

But also I was nearly going to be ill yesterday (sore throat, the sniffles) so I listened to my body’s need for calories and sleep so today I was right as rain. I also have residue soreness from my pushing my body to the limit on Sunday (breaststrokes nearly an hour and around 1.4km despite my fear) and my torso still has that twingyness.

Still, my face is filling out a bit so I hope I find a balance between the body’s need for food due to burning a lot of calories per swim session, and my need to eat less so I can lose weight.

Blood sugars are back to the 5-6 every morning that I was aiming for. My 5 night retreat had my blood sugars at 7-ish in the morning, which I found alarming. Next conference I need to try to either avoid hotel food or be even more careful. And I need to lose more weight, argh!


Anyway, the major triumph of the past two days has been my breaking of my block re the monograph’s first chapter. I started doing it but wasn’t happy with it. Now I am and I know the direction I want it to take. So I’ve tweaked the proposal as well. Will return to chapter that excites me maybe next week. Have a presentation tomorrow on a new research thing and am in knots about that.

Also trying to set up another research-related thing this weekend, but that’s partially social and I’m looking forward to it.

Anyway. Back to work on the presentation slides, I guess.


Listening to: I’m So Happy I Can’t Stop Crying — Sting